challenges

Extreme Gaming Challenges – To Prove That You’re a Serial-killer.

Gaming is a lot like masturbating, getting really good at it only usually results in you having above average finger dexterity. That said, it’s also really fun. So I thought I’d list some of the more, shall we say, odd gaming challenges I’ve set myself over the years. So if you too have found yourself becoming bored with your games, but still think there’s life in them why not try.

Only using the knife and lasso in Red Dead Redemption.

This challenge is why I’m pretty sure I’ll never be allowed to work with children. As for an entire game of RDR (unless I was forced to use guns) I only used the knife, my entire game plan consisted of sprinting towards the enemy with my knife drawn and stabbing the shit out their groin. Essentially, I approached the game the same way I court women.

In fairness, the women I go for are normally much hairier.

Now the lasso adds an entirely new dimension to this tactic, one which takes it from a challenge of skill, to the one thing that’s going to ensure you never make it into heaven. Because hitting somebody with the lasso will put them into stumbling animation, which is basically just an invite for you to introduce their kidney to the business end of a cholera soaked bowie-knife. Just to clarify, yes. I once spent an entire game of RDR, pulling people over with a piece of rope, before giving them a 9 inch steel enema. What, like you’re a saint?

Organising bum fights in Grand Theft Auto.

GTA is one of those games that regardless of whether you like it or not, you have to respect what it did for gaming. It created an entire living, breathing city for you to run amok in. However I always had one small, but niggling problem with the game, its hand to hand combat.

Now the game actually has a really solid combat system, complete with counters, combos and special moves, however they’re never really shown because you’re given a gun almost instantly. The only time you’re likely to see it is if you accidentally piss off a pedestrian and you decide to fight them like a man instead of you know, shooting them in their stupid, not Niko Bellic face.

Typical game of GTA.

If during a fight though, you opt to run away like a coward, it’s entirely possible to get another pedestrian between you and your attacker, if your attacker accidentally donkey punches said pedestrian they’ll start to fight each other. Now I’m not entirely sure on how the game works out how hard certain people can punch, but I’ve seen an obese trucker taken out by a single swing from a malnourished business woman.

My friend and I did this so much and got it down to such an art, that we actually went to the effort of using 4 busses to trap half a dozen civilians in an intersection, before goading them into a battle royale, complete with bets and battle music (accomplished by leaving the radio on in each bus). And that ladies and gentlemen, is how MMA was invented.

The Sims Home Alone Challenge.

The original Sims game was the cause of more installation screens and hours of wasted time than Norton fucking antivirus. And it broke more ground for for video games than if every World of Warcraft player jumped up and down at the same time. The allure of the game came from the fact it was incredibly free form. There was no story, you just made a virtual family, tried to turn your neighbours gay and had fireworks displays indoors.

Jigsaw from the Saw movies was never this cruel.

The family creation tool allowed you to make any kind of family you wanted, up to an including same-sex parents, and when a video game lets gay people marry and adopt before society fucking does you know something is wrong with the world. But I digress, while creating a family it was actually possible to just make a family of children. And in the original sims game, children didn’t age, effectively allowing you to home alone that shit to your heart’s content.

But it added a whole new layer of challenge to the game, because children couldn’t gain skills, they couldn’t earn money and they couldn’t cook. Meaning that it turned a simulation game into a survival fucking horror game. Once you moved into your home, you had a set amount of money and that was it when you ran out, you were fucked since you could no longer buy food. However if you managed to sweet talk your neighbour enough they would bring over food when the visited, meaning that eventually you could be playing Sims and be essentially controlling a gutter child scrabbling for scraps people left outside your door.

My record for this was 5 in-game weeks, which came to an abrupt end when my child starved to death because the repo man stole the fridge. Yes, I once turned a happy family simulation game into a brutal struggle for survival against the government. Because video games only get stale if you let them.

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