Wesker!

Why Albert Wesker Should Stop Wearing Shades.

I freaking love Albert Wesker, he is, bar nothing, one of my favourite characters from any video game ever made. I have quotes from him committed to memory and I have the Umbrella logo tattooed on my own body, though the latter is mostly to fuck with people after I die. He can punch clear through a mans chest and can kung-fu his way out of a zombie holocaust. In short, he’s the man. Well he would be if he took off those damn glasses.

Wesker’s glasses are his trademark, according to the man himself, they’re custom-made especially for him and are specifically contoured to his handsome, chiseled face. Despite all that, if you annoy him enough he’ll happily whip those fuckers right at your dome, because Wesker always has another pair.

I was done with that pair anyway.

I was done with that pair anyway.

But here’s the thing, Wesker should never wear these things. Wesker is described as a master martial artist, using only his immense skill (and presumably the larger of his two testicles), he was able to fight off a horde of t-virus infected monsters pretty much on his own, before he got superpowers.

After he got superpowers he became an absolute beast. For example, in Resident Evil 5, if you watch man mountain Chris Redfield carefully, you can actually see him grimace and wince with pain when he haymakers the shit out of Wesker’s kidneys, bear in mind Chris does no such thing when he does this.

Fucking too right!

Fucking. Too. Right!

It’s safe to assume Wesker is at least twice as tough as that pussy boulder.

But all of that, all of the bullet dodging, kung-fu and teleporting means jack shit when Wesker can’t actually see anything.

Seriously, in Resident Evil 5, again, the final fight scene involves you the player, fighting Wesker in the dark. Dark is the operative word to note there, because the easiest way to win the fight is to turn off the lights, that’s it. As soon as that happens, Wesker can’t see shit. Even though Chris and Sheva, neither of which has superpowers can. This is the view Wesker has, even as a blurry screenshot, you can probably make out that box, right?

Right?

Right?

Wesker can’t, because the second you turn off those lights, Wesker, the same guy who can dodge point-blank range shotgun fire, can’t avoid a rocket travelling slow enough to see. Which is my point, Wesker’s reflexes are good enough to dodge bullets, which puts his reaction time into the hundredths of seconds. As long as he’s able to see the bullet being fired, he can dodge it. Now here’s some maths.

An RPG has a muzzle velocity of 115 M/S, sound travels at 340.29 M/S. That means Wesker should hear the round, way before it is fired, but he doesn’t. So either, he likes taking RPG rounds to the face, or his hearing is really bad. Which explains why he’s unable to hear Sheva and Chris stumbling around in the dark like jackasses firing off RPG rounds until one is about to explode in his face.

It's oddly sexual in a weird way.

It’s oddly sexual in a weird way.

So it’s entirely likely that Wesker has really bad hearing. But here’s the weird part, Wesker is all about embracing perfection, he loves that shit. Half of his quotes are about him talking about how worthless mankind is, how he is so superior to them. So why then does he actively chose to wear something that hinders one of his so-called superior abilities.

Just watch this scene, the second those lights go off Wesker is an absolute joke, he can’t even touch Chris or Sheva. Now watch this scene, the second he’s in a space where can actually see, he mops the floor with two special agents who’ve trained specifically to capture him. If it wasn’t for the fact he gets sucked out the plane, he would have been cleaning bits of Sheva’s lung out of his nails by the time his pre-flight meal arrived.

Which is the annoying thing. I love this guy, Wesker is awesome, So why the hell does he choose to wear sunglasses that hinder his ability to whup ass. Oh right, they’re to stop people drowning in his beautiful eyes.

*Swoon.

*Swoon.

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