Girl-Gamer

Why you should love “fake gamer girls”.

A few days ago the following status popped up on my Facebook wall.

UntitledI’ve blocked the person’s identity because it’s unimportant, what is important is the fact prior to this point I wasn’t really aware of the concept of a “fake gamer girl” I’d heard the phrase fake geek girl before, but Luke McKinney already sucker punched those fuckers so hard they’re still shitting diamonds, however since this is the Knights of Gaming, I figured someone needed to address this topic and explain why people like the person above are total fucking morons.

It seemed to me like most of the hostility towards these fake gamer girls stemmed from the fact they claimed to be gamers, while only having a casual knowledge of the entire scene in general and that they only latched onto gaming because it’s popular and cool. Now at the age of 22 I never thought I’d say this, but the person quoted above is 16 and I noticed that this trend is prevalent among guys that age, but back in my day (jesus I feel old), games weren’t fucking cool. Gaming today is a completely acceptable social endeavour that attractive women will openly associate themselves with, if you’re complaining about that, fuck you, I would have killed for that shit when I was 16.

But okay, maybe the hostility stems from the fact that they have an offensively limited view of gaming which I could accept they’re not a real gamer because they only play Pokemon, they never played Final Fantasy 7 or Wind Waker. But wait, you’re not a real gamer because you never played the original Final Fantasy. Well, you’re not a real gamer because you never played the original Japanese version on an imported console. Nuh uh, you’re not a real gamer because you never played Pac-Man in an arcade.

See how stupid that looks? When your argument is “this person doesn’t know as much as me, therefore they’re not allowed to be a part of my subculture” you’re just starting a dick measuring contest and take it from a guy named Smallwood, there will always be a bigger dick out there. Trying to say someone isn’t a real gamer by stating that they’ve not played the same games as you is like calling someone gay because they haven’t fucked your girlfriend. What makes the games you’ve played anymore legitimate than the ones they have?

If I was a real gamer I'd have based this on Final Fantasy 6.

If I was a real gamer I’d have based this on Final Fantasy 6.

But okay, maybe it’s nothing to do with dick measuring, maybe it’s all down to the fact they’re not a real fan, they don’t understand the culture and it’s subtleties, all they did was buy a t-shirt and a copy of Pokemon. Well, they still bought a copy of Pokemon, right? If you ran a charity and person came up to give you money would you berate and hassle them about whether they understood exactly what your charity stood for before you took it? No, because you’d have a fist shaped hole in the face part of your soul before you got half way through that conversation. You’d take their money and politely thank them for supporting something you believe in. Now replace the word charity with gaming.

Just because someone doesn’t understand exactly what gaming is about, it doesn’t change the fact  that they’re still supporting it with their money and time. We need the casual crowd, if you think something can survive purely off of the back of its die-hard fans and enthusiasts, go try to buy a Mega Man game.

But maybe you dislike fake gamer girls because they’re only, as aforementioned, latching onto gaming because it’s popular, well that’s just a necessary part of something being popular. Every subculture and group interest has them, they’re called posuers and they’re not a new thing. Skateboarders have to put up with people using a skateboard as a fashion accessory, punk fans have to deal with people wearing an anarchy badge without understanding it and hip hop fans have to deal with Dr Dre fans. The fact gaming even has posuers at all only means that it has been legitimised as a subculture and if you’re truly a fan of gaming, you’d like that because it means gaming is now something people want to associate themselves with. Those people being attractive women is just the icing on a cake made of explosions and polygons.

However, I couldn’t discuss this topic without touching on the misogyny, the beautiful, beautiful misogyny. The fact that this term is applied exclusively to girls while there are hundreds if not thousands of guys out there who do exactly the same thing, guys who only play FIFA or COD and claim to be gamers, no one insults them. Which is where someone says “guys don’t upload pictures of themselves with an Xbox controller saying “lol, such a nerd XD!””  which is an excellent point. But guys also don’t have to deal with threats of rape every time they log on, their mothers do, but that’s a different story, so I personally give girls a pass on that one. But others don’t, others think these women should be able to name the lead character from every Final Fantasy as well as detail the timeline of Zelda because they call themselves a gamer. The fact that you need to do anything other than play games to prove you’re a gamer is a sentence so innately fucking stupid this paragraph is now required teaching material in the state of Texas.

If you play games, you are a gamer. Every person you accuse of being a fake gamer, still bought a console and supported the industry, you should be thankful for that.

2012

Why The Best Game of 2012 Isn’t The One You Think

Around this time of year you’ll see many sites dedicated to gaming listing what they believe to be the best game of 2012, whereas most sites have chosen Far Cry 3, Mass Effect 3, Max Payne 3, Halo 4 or Black Ops 2 or any other number of games with a number in their title citing either graphical achievements or sales, I have chosen a different game, for a different reason. Continue reading

Cg_cloud

Final Fantasy 7 Abridged (Part 2)

Check out part 1 here!

(Written by Joseph Hardy)

EXT. NOT MIDGAR

THE PARTY resumes their hunt for SEPHIROTH but get SIDETRACKED by RANDOM BATTLES, MINIGAMES, PLOT RECAPS and BACKSTORIES. On their way they meet YUFFIE, CAIT SITH, VINCENT and CID.

 YUFFIE:

 I’m a ninja who steals stuff and gets travel sick. I’d probably be the thief of the party if the skill system hadn’t rendered every character interchangeable.

CAIT SITH:

 I’m a robot cat riding a stuffed animal being controlled remotely by a guy in Shinra. Why my battle mechanics aren’t affected by this, is a mystery.

 VINCENT:

 I’m a collection of belts and zippers given life by professor Hojo. I’m dead upset about my last girlfriend being Sephiroth’s actual mum. Can I have a spin-off?

 CID:

 I wanted to be an astronaut but one of the scientists went OCD and cocked up the launch, causing the space program to be scrapped. I’m very angry and swear a lot, which basically makes me a less ethnic Barret.

THE PARTY eventually learns that SEPHIROTH is heading to the TEMPLE OF THE ANCIENTS to find the BLACK MACGUFFIN.

INT. TEMPLE OF THE ANCIENTS

CLOUD, AERIS and CAIT SITH enter the TEMPLE while the rest of the PARTY waits OUTSIDE because only THREE PEOPLE can travel together at any one time. Eventually they find SEPHIROTH.

CLOUD:

 What are you planning to do with the Black MacGuffin?

 SEPHIROTH:

 I will summon a meteorite and crash it into the planet. When the planet gathers its magical energy to heal the impact, I will be reborn as a god.

 AERIS:

 How do you know that this plan will even work?

 CLOUD:

 More to the point, why do you want to be the god of this boring-ass planet?
 SEPHIROTH:

 Ooh is that the time? I need to go for a 3 hour hair appointment.
(leaves)

Lather, rinse (in the blood of the innocent), repeat.

Lather, rinse (in the blood of the innocent), repeat.

 CLOUD:

 Ok how do we stop Sephiroth from getting the Black MacGuffin?

 AERIS:

 Wait, I’m intercepting some exposition from the spirits of the Ancients. Apparently the temple IS the Black MacGuffin. There’s a switch that shrinks the temple but if you use it you’ll get crushed as well.

 CLOUD:

 If only Barret were here to heroically sacrifice himself for the greater good. Oh well, we can send the robot.

CAIT SITH shrinks the TEMPLE and is CRUSHED. For some reason, this is treated as a TRAGIC DEATH SCENE.

CLOUD:

 Nice, now we can take the Black MacGuffin and keep it safe from Sephiroth.

 SEPHIROTH:

 (appearing)
Hey is that the Black MacGuffin? Could I have it please?

 CLOUD:
Sure, let me walk over and hand it to you reeeeaaaallllly slooooooowwwwwlllllly.

SEPHIROTH takes the BLACK MACGUFFIN and leaves, while AERIS stands around and WATCHES. A replacement CAIT SITH arrives shortly afterwards.

 CAIT SITH:

 Well so much for my ultimate sacrifice, what’s going on? Why are you punching Aeris repeatedly?

 CLOUD:

 I’m grinding for experience!

After some CAREFUL CONSIDERATION, CAIT SITH decides to INTERVENE.

FADE TO:

EXT. FOREST OF THE ANCIENTS

CLOUD and AERIS find themselves in a FOREST where they FROLIC.

 AERIS:

 Cloud, don’t feel bad about the fact that you’ve just doomed the entire planet. I’m going to the city of the Ancients to pray for our safety, which is a totally legitimate plan in the face of Armageddon.

 CLOUD:

 That sounds retarded, did you get brain damage or something?

 SEPHIROTH:

 (appearing)
Cut her some slack dude. You were punching her for ages!

CLOUD wakes up from his DREAM and heads off to SAVE AERIS.

INT. CITY OF THE ANCIENTS

THE PARTY finds AERIS praying on an ANCIENT GAZEBO.

 CLOUD:

 Hey I’ve come to save you!

 AERIS:

 Save me from what?

 SEPHIROTH:

 (appearing)
Pre-emptive attack!

SEPHIROTH totally KILLS AERIS! This is one of the most SHOCKING MOMENTS IN VIDEOGAMES to anyone who didn’t watch the TRAILERS or look at the BACK OF THE CD CASE.

Cloud’s reaction to Aeris’ death is somewhat mawkish.

Cloud’s reaction to Aeris’ death is somewhat mawkish.

 SEPHIROTH:

 What the hell? She didn’t even drop any good loot!

 CLOUD:

 I’M VERY SAD! ALLOW ME TO DESCRIBE MY SADNESS IN DETAIL!

 SEPHIROTH:

 I’ll leave you with this segment of my mum and then I’m off to disc 2!

The CHUNK OF JENOVA immediately COLLAPSES UNDER ITS OWN WEIGHT and DIES.

FADE TO:

EXT. SWIMMING POOL OF THE ANCIENTS

CLOUD wades out into the WATER where he DUMPS AERIS’S BODY because he has run out of PHOENIX DOWNS.

 CLOUD:

 I will always treasure the times I shared with Aerith, such as when I threw barrels at her and took her into a brothel,
or when we rode a boring gondola after I’d rejected her for a stage hand. And who could forget the time I almost chopped her tits off with my unreasonably large sword?

 CID:

 That was ten minutes ago!

CLOUD proceeds to BOMBARD THE PARTY with SELF-DOUBT, ANGST and ELLIPSES. Fortunately for him they are COOL WITH THAT.

TO BE CONTINUED

(Written by Joseph Hardy)

teabag

In Defense of Teabagging

Teabagging is a dirty word in online gaming, it’s synonymous with immaturity, lack of skill and a host of other attributes one wouldn’t want to associate themselves with. It’s also fucking hilarious. Which is why I do it every chance I get. I personally think that the act of spamming that crouch button over the corpse of your fallen foe gets a bum rap and I wanted to try to explain why it’s really not that bad. Continue reading